1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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