Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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