I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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