did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
