i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
