the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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