You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your cock deserves a montage
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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