bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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