his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.