My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.