I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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