So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.