So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
