i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
