Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.