Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize