3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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