So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
