So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
