We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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