That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
