you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
