I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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