i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
