My sheets look like a crime scene.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
