Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
