I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I love you.
Bad choice
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