hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
