I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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