Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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