I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
