Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I want a musical about memes.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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