so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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