Umm I'm too high to move.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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