Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
