I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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