i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize