they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
