Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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