This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
