How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
