Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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