It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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