You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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