I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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