my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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