it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
