Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize