I'm gonna have a badass scar
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
