textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
