Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
