fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
