I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
