Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
