I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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