Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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