My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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