My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
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This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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