I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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