Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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