Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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