capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
