She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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