What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
